Note: Content within this book and review regarding family trauma, mental health challenges and suicide may be distressing to some people.
Augustus Waters in the movie The Fault in our Stars asks Hazel Gray, “So what‘s your story”. She replies, “I was diagnosed when I was 13.” Although also suffering cancer, Augustus cuts her off mid-sentence saying, “No, no, not your cancer story. Your story. Interests, hobbies, passions, weird fetishes, etc?” Hazel then says, “Ummm, I am pretty unextraordinary.” Augustus counters, “I reject that out of hand.”
That is a favourite scene of our family when we watch the movie. Augustus comes to mind when I have the privilege of listening to a personal experience of someone working through a journey of navigating life‘s challenges or discovering something fresh about themself. The movie scene came to mind again as I finished reading “I was not built to break”. There is something extraordinary about someone who is stretched and challenged by difficulties and stresses, and yet perseveres and grows through the experience.
Some people experience a trauma and develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a natural self-protective response. But for some the experience can also lead to Post Traumatic Growth (PTG). How does trauma set up people for further difficulties in life? How can we get off that causative treadmill? What is it that helps some people grow and thrive rather than dwindle or self-destruct? Where does one get the capacity to endure in the face of physical or emotional pain? What does a person do when relationships fall apart and hope for the future seems to disappear? These are important questions for developing resilience in ourselves and others.
That is a long introduction before getting into the details of this review. Yet it points to the importance of three themes of resilience that weave through Stephane Vander Bruggen’s deeply personal memoir.
Firstly, Stephane is a highly competitive triathlete turned coach. He started triathlon racing trying to beat his Mum and being coached by his Dad. He early developed a passionate love for the process of training and the challenge of racing that he has carried through his life. His philosophy of training is that “To improve you need to be relentless and invest in training on a daily basis.” (p.29) He is convinced that winning is often a result of mental fortitude as much as talent; not fearing the pain but embracing it. His career has been challenged by (ill-informed) accusations of cheating and doping. He has overcome disordered eating and obsessiveness in training, learning the importance of healthy sleep, nutrition and recovery along the way. At one stage he was on track for the Sydney Olympics but had to come to terms with injury and setbacks. He morphed his love for racing into also discovering a vocational passion for coaching, the fruit of which was Geelong Performance Coaching, now renamed GPC Squad. He feels at home helping triathletes thrive, He has also had awful challenges, particularly seeing some of his athletes have major accidents including Morgo who nearly died when hit by a car on his bike, and Jo who after a cycling fall developed a severe brain injury. He has continued to achieve his own podium successes with multiple world champion triathlon age group championships and a sub-9 Ironman race (Busselton in 2018).
The second theme is his family traumas and relationships. He narrates childhood challenges navigating trauma and grief from alcohol, an uncle’s death, grandfather’s suicide, mother’s alcoholism, father’s domestic violence, both parent’s theft and deception, and unwelcome advances from a priest scout leader and modelling talent scout. He describes his own exploration of relationships, sex, and later the wonders of marriage, childbirth and parenting. Yet he also transparently unveils his slip into developing an affair, the related self-justification cover up, the eventual unravelling and break up of his marriage and navigating custody and new relationships.
The third theme is mental health and personal growth. With a heart to help others, Stephane discloses his own challenges with mental health and suicidal behaviour, triggered by family traumas and hopelessness. He also shares what has helped: trusted therapists, a loving sister, love for his children, and practices such as meditation, breathing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing treatment), GEM (gratitude, empathy, mindfulness), and fundamentally good recovery practices of sleep, nutrition and emotional healing. The contents of the book germinated from journaling Stephane started in a post-COVID, post-suicide attempt journey. It is therapy turned memoir.
“I was not built to break” is easy to read as good writing. But it is also very tough reading in how it addresses rough and raw issues of family trauma, mental health challenges, unfaithfulness and suicide. Yet these are the reality of life and part of some people’s extraordinary stories. Stephane Vender Bruggen has courageously shared his experiences and they promise to be invaluable encouragement for others that resonate with different parts of his story.
Published in 2024, Stephane’s blog and book ordering details are at https://stephanevanderbruggen.com.
About the Reviewers
Darren Cronshaw is a Chaplain who has served at Army School of Transport, Puckapunyal, 1st Recruit Training Battalion, Kapooka and Defence Force School of Signals. He is also Professor of Practical and Intercultural Theology with the Australian College of Ministries (Sydney College of Divinity). His hobby is pushing the boundaries of resilience in Ironman triathlons.